Tuesday, 24 January 2012

an ode to gary lineker

gary lineker gary lineker
what a life you've had
gary lineker gary lineker
i'd love it if you were my dad

mine fucked off years ago

oh gary
you have done so many things
and in a way it is not fair
i wish i could do just one of those things
but you probably dont care

oh gary oh gary
you were a total goal hanger
oh gary oh gary
is mark lawrenson a wanker

he seems like one

goal hanger goal hanger
a yellow card you did never get
no anger no anger
you looked after gazza
when he was upset

oh gary oh gary
"have a word with him" you said
oh gary oh gary
and you pointed to your head

you hung up your boots
and went on the telly
then your hairs went all grey
like the italian, ravenelli

or pip schofield

you like to write poims for your new birds
i read it on the internet
what inspired you to write those words
i bet you've been on punternet

your new wife is fit as fuck
i've heard she's got a lisp
but i bet she's not bothered mates
not with all those free crisps

i love you on the telly
you are smooth but never flash
i even love your sun bed tan
do you remember that moustache

pencil thin 
like erroll flynn
the singer from "hot chocolate"
you sexy thing 
you sexy thing
i dont know why you chopped it

oh gary oh gary
see you on M.O.T.D
oh gary oh gary
one day that'll be me

Thursday, 19 January 2012

a chant for raul mereiles

unlike many journo's i am gritty and real and have experianced real football on the terraces singing songs, making wanker gestures at away fans pretending to be hard and up for a scrap, and also actually starting loud songs like "lets all have a disco na na na na" where everyone jumps around and goes mental. i have been there and i have done it.

in my spare times i like to invent football songs and chants for some of my favourite players from allsorts of different clubs. 

i dont pick obvious players and one off my favourites at the moment is raul merieles. he first took my eyes playing for F.C. porto in the champions leagues. he then went to liverpool and he did very well. i have made up a song for him and i would love to hear the chelsea fans singing it.

it is to the tune of "thats amoray" by dean martin, who was a top top singer and was actually frank sinartra's brother.

here it is

when the ball hits the net, more regularly than darren bent ....its meireles
tall and slim with shit hair, but we dont fuckin care....its mereiles
pass the ball pinga pinga ping, pinga pinga ping, what wonderful play
play on the wing, in midfield or up front home or awaaayyyyyy

about me

i suppose i should introduce myself mates. every web site has a "about me" section so here is mine. this is my "about me", a section about me, duncan jenkins.

my name is duncan keith jenkins. me mam is called val and me dad, well he can get lost. 

i have loved football since a young age when i watched the F.A cup final with my uncle derek. it was spurs v coventry and coventry won 3-2 i think. a man called keith howchen scored an awesome diving header. that afternoon i went out to our back yard to practise diving headers but our yard was made of concreet and i broke two ribs by diving on the floor trying to head in a fake cross. by fake cross i mean i threw the ball to myself and dived to try and head it. i broke my ribs but the worst thing was i did not even connect with the header so it was a waste of time i broke my ribs for nought.

my uncle derek is an oldham athletic fan so they became my team. he took me quite a bit at the time. back then oldham were a top top team and had good cup runs and stuff. my favourite players were roger parmer and andy richie. they were strikers and scored the goals. there was another one called frankie bunns and he scored six goals in one match against scarbrough mates. 

back then football hoolganisam was common place and i saw my uncle derek get smacked for no reason by a burnley fan once. uncle derek started crying and told a copper but the copper said to us "haven't you got homes to go to you scum bags". 

in my teens i watched oldham a bit but the fighting put me off so i stopped going. after one game against manchester united there was fighting outside. all these man utd fans came charging towards us and a big oldham fan next to me shouted "STAND". i was about to run away, i wanted to leg it but i stood still cos he seemed to know what he was doing and he said "STAND". i stood still and 3 utd yobbo's ran up to me and absoloutely kicked my head in. it was a bad idea by that man and i never saw him again cos i was on the floor getting battered.

uncle derek moved to chesterfield for a bit in the late 90s and after i'd stopped watching oldham we visited him and aunty christine and he had a spare ticket for chesterfield v mansfield. i was worried mates cos they hate each other but derek said i could go with his two pals from work and they would look after me.

after the match we went to town to go to macdonalds but there was nutters everywhere looking for troubles. alot of police men were around and thankfully there was no trouble and the mansfield lot went home. i was stood outside macdonalds and 3 chesterfield fans came up to me and said "wtf fuck are you looking at you cheeky cunt. fancy a scrap dick head. lets go up the shambles for a scrap" (the shambles is a little road in chesterfield) i said "no way mates anyway i am chesterfield like you are". but they just wanted trouble they were pumped up for it so they kicked my head in anyway. i got a broken arm broken nose two broken ribs and two black eyes.

i mostly stopped going to football after that i was sick of getting my head kicked in but things have got a bit better in modern times. i am happy to attend games now as a journo and recently went to see liverpool fc v manchester city in a league game. i took my post it notes and a pen but it was very windy and cold and all my post it notes blew away in the wind. one of them went on the pitch L.O.L.

thanks to oldham and chesterfield and stuff i love lower league action and am an expert on old school lower league players. anyone rember phil stant mates. or steve norriss. lower league goal machines. i went to halifax town "the shay" when there away end was a big grass bank. i rember all the fans pissing all over the grass.

i have had good times as well as getting my head kicked in. i rember going to blackpool years ago when the ground was a shit hole. this lad offered me a drag on his spiff before the match and my face went green mates and then i was sick. all the big lads, the top lads where laughing at me and having some great banter. i'd never smoked a spiff before and it was a right laugh mates even though i was sick.

my nicknames are "slam dunc", "slam", "dunc" or "the jenk".

i have had many jobs i have worked at findus frozzen foods, little chef, call centres and i used to be a tea blender. i have been given the sacks quite a few times mainly cos i get caught going on the internet all the time and reading about football, i can never stop thinking about football. 

all this time i have perspired to be football journo and now i am making my dream real. i work from home as a football journo and although it is unpaid atm moment i expect paid work to come rolling in think and fast quiet soon as i have now got over 6.000 followers on twitter and that is more than many big hitter journos like damien johnsons of the B.B.C. and a man called joe lovejoys. he is tim lovejoys dad and i think tim lovejoys is a genius mates i would love to be like him. having said that he is nothing compared to adrian childs who is my broardcasting hero.

away from football i enjoy writing poims, most sports like snooker and darts, and i absoloutely love chicken sandwhiches which i eat every day. i now live in skem which is an absoloute shit hole and a shit place to live i get quite dapressed about it. it is near both manchester and liverpool and that is good cos there both great city's.

if you have any questions about me or my life please feel free to ask and i will try my best to answer the questions about me or my life.

that concludes the "about me" section.

Thursday, 12 January 2012

i am not happy with the rules of the Long jump

i am a perspiring football journalist but i have many strings to my bone. i love a broad spectum of stuff like all sports, music, T.V. and other culturral stuff like that.

i am a big fan of track and fields and the following onion piece is something that has bothered me for a long time mates. i posted it on facebook a while ago but as part of the transaction across to my new blog i thought i would post it here. i hope you agree with me.

the Long jump

an athelete who jumps less than a rival can still beat him and that is a sorry business mates. athlete A has his jump measured at 8m50cm dispite the front of his foot being shy of the jump limit by 10cm so in reality he has jumped 8m 60cm if measured from the jump point to the landing point. but happy chappy athlete B has his jump measured at 8m55cm and he hit the board bang on. so dispite his actual jump not being as long as athlete A his shorter jump defeats athlete A in the LONG jump and that is an utter disgrace.

the defenders of the ridiculas current rules of the Long Jump would have you beleive that the timing of the foot on the board is the ultimate skill and yet from my observations of the event the actual hitting of the board is owing hugeley to Luck rather than skills. further i contend that as the judges are fussy about measuring preciseley the furthest point backwards made by the jumper and that includes a fall backwards or even stepping or walking backwards. so why not lend this laudible pedanticness to marking the exact point which the athlete left the ground to begin the jump. cameras easily help in this matter. just as cricket tennis and rugby make use of camera tecnology, well so should the Long Jump.

a collection of my poims

hullo mates hows it going mates

i have wanted to do a blog for ages but i do not know how to do a website. alot of my awesome twitter followers gave me advices some even offered to do a website for me. very kind mates very kind.

some people said "word press" was a piss of piece but i tried for ages and did not understand any of it especially all that stuff about "mySQL" and that tecky stuff so i gave it the sacks.

so i am using this please bare with me i have not got the hang of it yet but i have been messing about with it for about 8 hours now and i want to strike while the eye is hot. so this will do and its time to post my poims just to get me started. i will be adding fresh contents and new articles in due of course.

"a poim for wazza" 

oh wayne
i'm so sorry to be a pain
take this kiss upon your brow
and read the rest of my poim now

oh wazza
i write this poim with no shame
wayne, your full name
is wayne mark rooney
when you were young
you were a loony
but now
you are not
not as bad as before anyway mates

oh wazza oh wazza
fergie says your like gazza
you are both men of many talons
and you both drink beer by the gallons 

oh wayne
you used to be in despairs
coz of your dissappearing hairs
you must of been so miffed
but not anymore mates
not with that lovely quift

in the summer you'd gone bald
this is a poim from me to roo
and i've just called
to say
your new hairs really suit you

oh wazza
your wife is fit as fuck
do you ever look in the mirrors
and think "i cant believe my luck"
i know i would
you are a part of the cheshire set
does your dad still like a bet

oh wazza
you are a humble man from liverpool
just lilke your favourite band who are dead cool
you have twitted about them before
they were known as the fab four

the fans love you yeah yeah yeah
they love you yeah yeah yeah
with a love like that
you know you cant be bad
your a great striker and a great lad

oh wazza oh wazza
you score the goals that matter
and as you stand amid the roar
please forget about that whore
we've all made mistakes before


"a poim for gary nevilles"

oh gary
look at you now
oh neville
take a bow
take a bow

i used to think you were shit
now you are a top top pundit
oh gary mates
i take it all back
you were not shit at all
you were ruddy great
at kicking the ball

oh gary
you played right back
you stopped so many attacks
you ate those wingers alive
please give me a high five
please mates

oh gary you owned so many players
like jose antonio reyes
you loved to kick him
oh gary
do you like chicken

oh gary
you really improved your crossing
and now you are bossing
the airwaves

your analasis is top class
but i want to see you on a plastic patch of grass
in the studio
with ed chamberlain
pretending to man mark him
on M.N.F.

oh gary i love your facial hairs
no one on sky sports compares
i even love your little tash
who will win the city v united clash

gary neville gary neville
treat yourself to a new breville
you deserve it cos your great
on telly mates

oh gary
on sky you wear the trousers
you are admired by everyone mates
even the scousers

you are always self defecating
playing down your skills
but let me tell you something mates
you've got the pundit skills
to pay the bills

oh gary
i love you on my T.V
so give me a R.T
or how about this
roll that V.T
and do some analasis


"a poim for adrian childs"

oh adrian
you support west bromich albion
oh childs
to watch you present a telly program i would walk for miles

i first saw you on business lunch or something mates
i did not understand what you was talking about
but you did not scream and shout
you talked like you always do in that freindly accent mates

i said to my mam that man will go far
and in no time he's on the one shows interviewing david ginola

oh adrian
do you miss christine mates
it is a shame she is going out with lampard for some dates
you got the sacks it was not fair
you are being replaced by a man with ginger hairs

its not fair
its not fair

chris evans chris evans
in despare i look at the heavens
oh adrian oh adrian i said
i watch the one show now with a feeling of dread
in fact i am going to stop
watching it

oh adrian oh adrian
i wish you well at the world cup
that news cheered me right up
i cant wait to watch it with you
oh adrian
who do you think will win

so you will still be on T.V.
on I.T.V
that pleases me
but its not the one show is it mates

hullo mates testing testing 1 2 3 4 testing mates